People, especially online people, now talk about relationship in terms of the nervous system. They reference attachment styles. They talk about triggers. They talk about safety. We want to be regulated, grounded, calm, securely attached, and not triggered. Safe spaces and protections abound, and this is a good thing. It’s a far more specific frame than reenacting all our childhood wounds in the kitchen after dinner and calling it “communication issues.”
This safety is what people come to couple therapy asking for. We want to stop fighting, stop feeling disconnected, stop the endless conflict between us. Stage 1 of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy has the same goal, so therapy at the beginning mostly feels aligned with what the couple came in for. Not fully, as most also seem to want some arbitration of whatever the fights are about, so there’s often a bit of reframing at the beginning to talk about the process (how we talk) instead of the content (what we talk about). But even so, buy-in is there: everyone wants to establish safety.
Wanting to create a safe environment for a loving relationship is an excellent goal, but there’s a reason this phase of therapy is called “Stage 1” and not “Therapy in its entirety.” Often, when we get things de-escalated and things feel calmer, clients start talking about wrapping up. To which I say some variant of “hang on, we’re just getting to the good part!”
